I met Elmo on my way down
Browsing the channels
Looking for nothing

When I was a kid he looked so cute
Waaay cuter than I was
Then I grew a little older
He’s no cuter than my boys

(They called me angel
They told me my lips are rosebuds
Crossbred with a snail
Said I was one in a million,
“The million that has eleven zeros’)

So I forgot about Elmo
I even once denied him
Told my friends I loved Boyzone
A big fan of Steven Gately

I wouldn’t turn the TV for Elmo
“I’m a big girl, fourteen and a few months’
When accidentally caught up with him
I yelled you red sucker

Now I’m seventeen
With a face so fertile for acnes to grow
Boys don’t call me angel anymore

(They had turned to other girls
Whose face was clean as my grannie’s glasses
I saw them grabbed their boobs
…another thing that I don’t quite have)

My weekends end as if they never begin
Reminds me of my late fat aunt
How she would tell me to prepare
To die as a spinster

Who on earth wants to die a spinster
Even the most ugly feminist woman doesn’t
Such a thought such a horrible thought
So I turned on my TV

There I met Elmo again
He was screaming frantically
Reminded me of my sins
How I denied him
Then I broke down and cried

I screamed “Elmo! Elmo!’ but he couldn’t listen
I forgot that he never had ears
I reached out to him but he didn’t notice
Now even Elmo doesn’t want me anymore